Repentance and Self-Deception

          Have you ever wondered why a person with serious behavioral problems is often the last one to notice them?  Have you ever considered why people who once had strong testimonies fall away from the Church?  Do you ever feel like you're doing well spiritually, only to realize in a moment of clarity that you have slowly been drifting away from what you knew was important?

          All of these are questions that almost every active latter-day saint has considered at one time or another.  The answers to these questions are fundamental to understand in order to lay hold on the all-important principle of enduring to the end.

          In order to illustrate what I think the answers to these questions are, I draw from the Biblical account of the fall of Cain.  An important point that we often miss when reading the story is how righteous Cain was initially.  That should be shocking to anyone who is familiar with the story, but let me explain.  In Genesis 4 we read of two instances when the Lord talked to Cain.  Regardless of how the communication occurred, it could not have happened without some initial degree of righteousness on his part. Elder Joseph Fielding Smith, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, confirmed:  “Cain’s great sin was not committed in ignorance. We have every reason to believe that he had the privilege of standing in the presence of messengers from heaven. In fact the scriptures infer that he was blessed by communication with the Father and was instructed by messengers from his presence. No doubt he held the Priesthood; otherwise his sin could not make of him Perdition. He sinned against the light."

          If Cain had such a great knowledge of God, why did he make such a terrible choice?  I submit that he fell simply because he "loved Satan more than God."  Think about this.  Do you think that you could ever love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, and not get something significant out of your scripture study?  Do you think you could ever love Him like that and not repent as soon as you found out that you were doing something wrong?  Do you think you could love Him like that and not always remember Him?

          Loving God is the miracle cure for going through the motions.  Which means that if we have started going through the motions, there is something in our lives that we love, at least for the moment, more than Him.

          The other day I was talking to a friend who told me that following his mission he frequently attended the temple in order to receive revelation from God about something very important.  After awhile he realized that the thing he was trying to receive revelation about had become the focus of his worship.  It had become his god.  That conversation made me look at my own life more closely.  I identified several "false gods" of this more subtle variety.  They include things like helping others, maintaining the guidance of the Spirit, and planning for the future.  Don't get me wrong, all of these things are necessary.  They just aren't the object of our worship.  In fact, if we love God with all our hearts, all of these things, not to mention many of the less noble false gods, will naturally increase in our lives, but in the periphery.

          There is a natural connection between not loving God and lying.  If we lie, we love falsehood more than we love the Truth, and He will not be able to set us free.  I believe that lying became such a great part of Cain's character that he often lied to himself.  Such an event is not without precedent. 

"But behold, the devil hath deceived me; for he appeared unto me in the form of an angel...And I have taught his words; and I taught them because they were pleasing unto the carnal mind; and I taught them, even until I had much success, insomuch that I verily believed that they were true;" (Alma 30: 53)

          I believe that whenever we see spiritual wickedness in high places, this kind of lying to oneself can be found.  It starts subtly, almost imperceptibly, with a refusal to repent.  The moment that we tell ourselves that we are justified in breaking the commandments of God in our particular situation we have lied to ourselves.  Those who can't see their own guilt are victims of self-deception.  Those who fall away from the Church do so because they first lose the love of the Lord in their hearts, then become caught up with false gods, and ultimately wrap their worship in Satan's lies.  We do the same thing on a smaller scale whenever we decide not to change some small thing that pricks at our conscience and take a step or two towards the great and spacious building.

          If any of you within reach of this blog feel yourselves drifting spiritually, repent and come back.  The Savior will ever be there to receive you, to heal, you, and to lead you back into the Divine Presence.

Thoughts From My Year Mark

            October 9, 2013.  The first time I'd seen mountains in two years.  I remember looking out the window of the plane high above the craggy north Utah landscape and realizing I was home.  In just a few minutes I would officially be an RM. 

            I had no idea what to expect.  I thought coming home would be a real letdown, not mentally or emotionally, but spiritually.  I worried that I would forever be struggling to live up to the ideal I had lived on my mission for the rest of my life.

            Roughly six months ago I started this blog with my thoughts on what I had learned since my mission.  Although I haven't mentioned my mission much directly since then, in a way all of my posts have carried that same hidden theme.  My posts are a paper trail of bits of doctrine and principle that the Lord has steadily taught me from then until now.  I feel that if I was called again to serve as a full-time missionary today I would be a far better one than I was a year ago.

            The difference between my life before and after my mission is striking.  It was if before my mission I had been huddled up near the surface of life, but now I'm diving deep under the skin, seeing the same sunset from a higher altitude.  

           We are never so strong or so righteous but that the Gospel of Jesus Christ can change us fundamentally for the better.  We are never so kind or so humble or so selfless but that we can be a little bit purer.  The breathtaking vistas that God paints on the walls of the mind that lets Him in are far more spectacular a sight then the mountains surrounding the Salt Lake Valley were to me on my final approach of the runway.  The greatest miracles happen not in the desert of Sinai or by the Pool of Bethesda or on the waters or Galilee but in human hearts.  In one way of thinking about it, that is the only place in which they ever do.

           Since my mission I have had to learn that I am not nearly as good as I think I am.  For others, the lesson they need to learn is just the opposite:  that they are powerful beyond their wildest imagination.  Since my mission I have had to learn to see the god or goddess inside each person.  I have had to learn to let go of what I had thought was firm at a moment's notice and hold fast to unclear objectives through mental wind and storm.  Since my mission I have learned to teach from the same side of the table as the investigator and to find the focus of my life in building Zion, one spiritual brick at a time.  For the first time I've begun to make real progress toward the goal of valuing each calling equally, regardless of position.

            Since my mission I learned that the Lord's work is far more important that schoolwork.  I learned that the sacrament has power both to heal and to change.  I learned that we should always act in faith but never try to control what is only God's to determine.

            Through all these lessons I have felt the Atonement of Christ lift me from one spiritual stepping stone to another.  Looking behind me, I almost can't believe how blind and unfocused I seemed before.  I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world and that He is personally involved in every one of our lives.  While none of us are out of danger of falling, His love is always sufficient to overcome all obstacles, to bring us safely home.

Truth and Self-Deception II

          Hal was happy with his life.  I am a good man, he told himself.  I go to church weekly.  I provide for my family.  I serve others at my own expense.  I pray twice daily and read the scriptures every night.  That's more than some people can say.

         First thing in the morning he rolled out of bed and fell directly to his knees to pray.

         My first thought today was to talk to God, he thought with satisfaction.

          Hal made his way downstairs and began to make his family breakfast.

          I think I've made breakfast more often this week than Monica, he thought to himself with a smile.  I think I've done more for her this week than she has for me.

          As he drove to work he thought about his upcoming employment decisions.  What would make him happiest?  He asked God about it, but didn't seem to hear much in return.  Maybe that meant it was supposed to be his own decision.  He could choose whatever he fancied.  Thinking of his life in general, Hal realized that he hadn't been perfectly happy lately.  How can I fix that?  He wondered.  Maybe he needed to do more service

          During lunch Hal realized that he hadn't done any service that day, so he cast his eyes around hastily and threw away a few bits of garbage around the break room.  I even do service during my lunch break, he thought happily.

          Towards the end of the day he was approached by Steve, one of his coworkers.

          "Hal, can I talk to you for a minute?"  Steve asked.

          "Of course," said Hal.

          "I've been worried about Martha lately.  She's been acting more despondent than normal.   I think we should ask her if she is going through anything difficult at the moment."

          Hal shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably.  "You can if you'd like.  Kind of a strange thing to be asking somebody, though.  I wouldn't want to be poking into her private business."

          Just then Martha walked by.  Steve called her over.

          "Martha, we've been worried about you lately.  Is everything going ok?"

          To Hal's surprise, Martha burst into tears.

          "We just found out that Jim has cancer."

          Steve came over next to her and began to ask her questions in a calm soothing voice.  Hal stood there awkwardly, wondering if he was going to be able to make it to his church meeting after work on time.  After a few minutes Martha began to smile again.  She thanked both of them for listening to her.

          "Anytime," said Steve.

          Martha left, and Hal began to hurriedly pack up his things.  Suddenly something occurred to him, and he turned back to Steve.

          "How did you know that Martha was having a hard time?"

          Steve shrugged.  "I just had a feeling."

          Hal's brow furrowed.  He was just as close to the Lord as Steve was.  "Why don't I get feelings like that?"  He asked.

          Steve shrugged again.  "I feel like they come when we care about others' happiness more than we do our own."

          Hall scoffed to himself as he walked out the door.  That's hogwash.  I think about others all the time.  Now, what more can I do spiritually today to make myself happy?

Luke 18:10-14

Truth and Self-Deception I

          A girl is walking down the street.  Clutched in her right hand is a bright pink umbrella.  Her eyes are cast downward, deep in thought.  Occasionally a smile flickers across her face.  Across the street a middle-aged woman stretches across a bench, waiting for the bus to come.  She watches as the little girl reaches the corner of the intersection and stop, glancing uncertainly down the street in either direction.

         "Where are you going?"  The woman calls out to her.

          "The store!"  The girl responds enthusiastically.

          Intrigued that a girl so young would be allowed to go to the store by herself, the woman gets up and crosses the street to talk to her.

          "Which store?" she asks.

          "The mall."

          "Really?  What are you going to do there?"

          "I'm going to be a princess!"

          A smile creeps over the woman's mouth.

          "A princess?  Like the ones that let you sit on their lap by the toy store?"

          The girl nods.

          "Why do you want to be a princess?"

          "So I can wear pretty dresses and sing songs and eat cupcakes all day."

          The woman nods knowingly.  "But wouldn't you get tired of that eventually?  What would you do when you didn't want to be a princess anymore?"

          The girl cocks her head.  "What else would I be?"

          "Well, I am a clothing designer in the big city.  I design clothes for people so they don't have to wear the same thing every day."

          "THAT sounds boring," retorts the girl.  "What's the point?"

          "The point is that I earn money to buy food and clothes for myself.  Eventually, if I work very hard, I will be rich and famous."

         "Then what?"

          "Then I'll sit around and relax and not have to worry about money."

          "That's boring!"  The girl reiterates.

          The woman furrows her brow, trying to find another way to help the girl understand.

          "I work hard every day so that my children can have nice things."

          "Don't they have a daddy to do that?"

          "Well yes, but it's a lot easier to pay the bills when both of us are working."

          "Then who takes them to the princess at the mall and makes them cupcakes and reads them stories?"

          The woman's laugh has a slight strain to it.  "I guess they have to live with not having any of those things."

          The little girl is aghast.  "They NEVER have princess parties?"

          "I'm afraid not."

          "Who hugs them when they fall down and bump their heads?"

          "Normally the nannies at the daycare, I suppose."

          Even more distraught, the girl cries out, "Aren't you a mommy at ALL?"

          "Of course I am!"  The woman says.  "My children are my world! I would do anything for them.

          After a moment of pondering this, the girl hears her tummy rumbles and announces that she must go home for lunch so she won't have to be a princess on an empty stomach.  The bus rumbles around the corner and the pair go their separate ways, each feeling sorry for the other, utterly caught up in their own idle fantasy.

          To choose any profession, be it ever so fine, ever so productive, or ever such a contribution to the world, over that of simple motherhood, is to opt for frivolity over divinity.  It is to become a meal provider rather than a goddess.

                   --Anonymous  

It takes a queen to make a princess.